Today was payday, and since I’m getting new gutters in less than a week, I’m already out of disposable cash until my next check. I’m lucky: all my bills are paid and I was able to buy a couple of house things (including some solar lights for the driveway, which I am really hoping no one steals because they really help with the country-dark abyss out there, along with a needed extra shelf for the already-overfull pantry-nook).

I’m working three jobs this year to pay for my writing studio first, and a small front deck and a back patio second. I don’t think I’ll be able to finish all three this year, which is tough for me to accept, because each one feels essential to the functionality of this place. But I will also need a fence in the backyard, if I want a dog. And I really want a dog. Oh, and the house needs to be painted, and M really wants new windows (they are single pane and it is cold in here within a few minutes of the heat turning off). It is a lot. One thing I am not good at is navigating the disappointment of patience. I realize I cannot make it all as I would, right now, and so I have to live with less than until… whenever.

I am more deficient in patience than anything else, I suspect. I just cannot wait. I can put things off, but that’s somehow different (oh, duh: because then I’m in control of the timeline). Everyone is always telling me to take a breath, or that things take time. But when it’s up to other people, I don’t actually get to know how much time. I just have to wait until something changes and only then can I figure out how to deal with it. Who can deal with all that uncertainty and constant suspense?!

The point is, I want to try to figure out how to address my lack of patience, my agony-in-waiting during this year of getting better. I don’t yet know how, but I’m thinking about it.

Otherwise, today was productive in that M and I finally took all of the Christmas decorations down and I made a pretty good curry. I tried to talk about teaching vs training to a coworker for a bit, but I’m not sure if I helped or made her own stress worse. Nothing to report from my teaching, other than that it continues, per schedule.


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