I’m really struggling to find my focus for more than 30 minutes at a time. I don’t think it is meditation’s fault or failure, and I think that my problem is beyond meditation’s ability to address. But man, was today tough. I’m just now done with the bare minimum I needed to accomplish and I should have been done five hours ago.
The other day when I was trying to sit still and focus on my breath, I had this brief vision of my mind galloping away from me. It felt like a physical motion, the clutching at reins or coat or mane, to not fall off and be left behind. Other days, like today, it is like trying to pick a piece of shell out of a cracked egg in the pan. It should be easy: it’s right there! And yet the edge of it moves away from your fingers like the wrong end of a magnet. I say to myself, “Okay, spend ten minutes doing the thing.” And then I just… don’t. And then I say, “Okay, you’ve been doing that other thing now for a nice snooze button, but now do the thing.” And maybe I do for a few minutes, or I open the folder with the thing in it, but all of a sudden I remember this other thing. Or I see an image on IG that inspires me to look something up quickly. Are these Oregon juncoes? Is there any yarn on sale that would work for that cute pattern? I really need to see this John Oliver episode in full with Spanish subtitles. Is that true about peeled garlic being peeled by Chinese prisoners? How much debt would it take to make my office shed happen? How many things can I sell right now? I need to support indie lit for just a second and buy this book I don’t have time to read.
And then I plead with my mind: JUST DO THE THING so you can do the other things you like without guilt! So you can read! So you can finish the sweater! Go on a hike! REVISE THAT GODDAMN ESSAY. And still, I do not. I feel like I’m running in the wrong gear, or like I’m trying to sit in a chair that is missing a leg.
It’s so frustrating. I am going to try again tomorrow, I guess, because what else do we do but that?