I am difficult to work with

notesWhat follows is unscripted rambling. I was thinking a lot today and trying REALLY HARD not to roll my eyes too much, so the thoughts & feelings are both many and confused. FIRST: It is hard to work for me, and it is even harder to have me work for you. This is because I need to control my environment and my priorities and my time. If you impact any of those things because I am responsible for your outputs (in other words, if I am your boss in some way), then I will micromanage you. It's a terrible trait, I realize. ANDBUTSO if you need something from me, and therefore exert some pressure on my environment/priorities/time, it is likely that I will resent you, if I cannot admire you. This is a childish trait.

[NOTE: When I am the one in charge of my ownself, rest assured, I am just as awful. The only difference is that this is the particular scenario that I feel strongly enough about to change. Sorry, bosses and assistants of the future.]

SECOND: But here's something I'm good at: connections. I can make the hell out of them. Analogies, personal networks, bridges between ideas--this I can do. If you say to me, "Man, I sure wish I had/knew/could..." it is likely I will have advice about how to get/meet/learn what you need. It might even be good advice.

THIRD: Today was frustrating. While I am not going to go into the hows or whys, my frustration eventually turned inward, and I found myself mad at myself for not being able to just "knock out" the thing someone else wanted from me that I did not, in fact, want to do. I thought, WHY CAN'T YOU JUST DO WHAT IS EXPECTED OF YOU? People do that all day all over the world and it does not kill them; it will not kill you either, I thought. But I am so damn stubborn, and it's a weakness and a stumbling block and maybe it's even a strength somehow, too, in some alternate reality or opposite-world. I don't know.

FOURTH: Here's the thing: our time is short. We blink on and off with a swiftness that puts twinkling stars to blushing shame. I don't say this to excuse wanton selfishness or hedonism... I mean, I may not always do the smartest or the goodest or the wisest thing--but at least I do the best thing I can most of the time. SO, are you going to use that snippet of time to bust your ass cracking rocks so someone else can make a buck off your back, or are you going to push yourself to your beautiful, shining limit, making your own music? I'll still love you either way, but will you love you, too?

PS, I don't think working WITH me is awful, except for maybe the constant yammering about "hey, did you know that/see the/hear about/ever wonder why..." But I'm like all those monkeys at all those typewriters: eventually I'll have something to say that will blow your mind at least a little.